


What you won't let them see.

by ilostmyothersock



Series: With the tide. [3]
Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:02:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27549550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilostmyothersock/pseuds/ilostmyothersock
Summary: For hundreds of years, they didn't have a name for it. Nicky was just... sad, sometimes. Joe knew, Andy knew, even Booker knew. And yet, Nicky always insisted that everything was fine. Nile joining the crew changed nothing.(Basically the time covered in Steadfast from the POV of people who know what's going on)TW: Depression/anxiety, disordered eating, weight loss
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Series: With the tide. [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1884397
Comments: 15
Kudos: 132





	1. Chapter 1

For hundreds of years, they didn’t have a name for it. Nicky was just... sad, sometimes, just _low_ sometimes.

He had once told Joe that he felt empty.

It came and went. Sometimes everything seemed fine. And then, sometimes the things that he usually loved - cooking elaborate meals, following Joe around on long walks as he searched for the perfect scene to capture, and tucking himself into his side to watch as he drew, even little things like sitting with his toes tucked under Andy’s thighs as they both read - would suddenly seem like too much. Food would lose it’s appeal entirely, and so Joe and Andy would watch worriedly as Nicky’s appetite would dwindle to nothing, weight falling off of his already slender frame.

There were names for these things now, in the twenty-first century. There was research, there were treatments, but with the lifestyle they led they hadn’t ever really considered going to a doctor. It felt like skirting way too close to letting people in on how their bodies worked, and, by extension, their secret.

Science was incredible, but they had seen first-hand what people would do in the supposed name of science, and frankly, sometimes science was frightening. So, even as the chemicals of the brain became better understood, and ways to try to balance them were developed, they stuck to riding out the wave with Nicky as best they could together.

With Booker’s betrayal and Nile joining the team, both Andy and Joe felt on edge. Stress could be a trigger (although sometimes there didn’t seem to be any trigger at all), and this was definitely more than enough stress for any one of them.

Somehow, though, Nicky seemed to be in a good place by all appearances. He welcomed Nile to the family with a smile on his face and and open heart, learned her favourite foods, showed her things he thought she would like in every place they visited, and made sure she knew that he was a willing ear should she ever need to vent. He made sure she knew that she was family in the little things he did every day (as Joe did, with his words and easy closeness, and as Andy did in her own way).

And yet, as much as he made sure she knew it was okay to break, he refused to break in front of her. With Nicky, everything was always _fine_ (although, if Joe was honest, Nicky tended to insist that everything was fine to them too, and had done so for hundreds of years).

Joe still worried. Joe would always worry, as much as Nicky told him not to. He knew Andy worried too. With every day that Nicky refused to talk about what had happened with Booker and Merrick Joe worried more. As he watched Nicky be the quiet strength, the calm, and the genuine kindness that Nile needed with all of the upheaval that had taken place in her life, Joe worried, feeling more and more every day that Nicky was bottling things up and doing his very best to keep up appearances that everything was fine.

He knew his love, his Nicky, had known him for hundreds of years, and as pristine as the front was he knew he was slipping.


	2. Chapter 2

Between the two of them Nicky is usually the first one awake, whether or not there is a threat. On good mornings, he will wake at what Joe considers a ridiculous hour. He will spend some time enjoying being in Joe’s embrace before gently untangling himself from Joe’s arms and getting up. Joe will grumble in his sleep but Nicky will sooth him with hands in his hair and a kiss to his brow and a pillow shoved into his embrace where Nicky used to be.

Joe insists that he always knows when his Nicky is replaced with Nicky’s pillow, but most days he seems to accept it without complaint, burrowing his face into the pillow and breathing in Nicky’s lingering scent.

On good mornings, by the time Joe drags himself out of bed there will be coffee on the table and freshly made breakfast, and Nicky will be sitting at the table, sipping his tea and waiting for Joe to come down so that they can eat together.

This is not a good morning.

Nicky is still in his arms when Joe wakes well past 11am. Joe takes a calming breath, trying to swallow down the worry that threatens to overwhelm him - the worry that has been building for weeks. He presses a kiss to the back of Nicky’s neck and tightens his arms around him, rubbing small circles on Nicky’s forearm with his thumb.

“Nicky?” he asks softly. Nicky doesn’t answer. Joe presses his nose into his hair, taking a deep breath before pulling away and getting up. He pads barefoot around the bed before crouching down in front of Nicky, brushing back the errant strands of hair that fall over his face.

“Nicky? Amore mio?” Nicky doesn’t open his eyes, shaking his head minutely. Joe sighs. “What do you feel like for breakfast?” Nicky shakes his head again.

“I’ll go pick up something delicious, okay? Maybe pastéis de nata, if they have it? And I’ll bring it to you here and we can have breakfast in bed.” 

Nicky opens his eyes then to give Joe a pleading look. “Joe...”

Joe cuts him off with a kiss. “I’ll be back soon, my love. Just sleep.”

\---

Joe does manage to find pastéis de nata (along with a selection of other pastries) in town. He comes back to the house, makes fresh coffee for himself and fresh tea for Nicky, and takes the lot upstairs.

Nicky refuses to touch any of it.

Joe isn’t exactly surprised, given how Nicky’s appetite has been lately (how it almost always is, when he feels like this), but he still finds himself a little disappointed, as if maybe this time, with the right sweets and the right tea and the right smile, he could just make this _better_.

Nicky feeling low always leaves Joe feeling helpless, which makes him sad, which makes _Nicky_ sad, and that’s the last thing Joe wants so he tries his hardest not to let his disappointment show. 

He’s sure Nicky sees it anyway.

Putting on as much of a smile as he can Joe sits beside Nicky. Leaning against the headboard, he makes his way through his coffee and several pastries before Nicky finally rolls over to face him. He waits silently, knowing Nicky will speak when he is ready.

“Everything is... heavy.” Joe sighs, reaching out a hand to start running soothing fingers through Nicky’s hair.

“I know.”

\---

When he is done with his breakfast, and after having managed to get Nicky to drink half of his tea, Joe burrows back under the covers, pulling Nicky to his chest and pressing their foreheads together briefly before tucking Nicky’s head under his chin. They lie in silence for some time before Joe feels something wet drip onto his neck. Nicky sniffles, and then another tear rolls down Nicky’s cheek, over his nose and onto Joe’s collarbone. Joe tenses before sighing, starting to gently stroke up and down Nicky’s back. 

Another moment passes before “Booker was right.”

“Hayati...”

“Why am I like this, Joe? I have no reason to be. What _do_ I know of the weight of these years, when I have you? I shouldn’t... I shouldn’t feel like this, it isn’t fair of me. You are the light of my life and I don’t understand why I can’t just... just...”

Joe tightens his arms around Nicky, pressing his nose to his hair and breathing in deeply.

“It’s not your fault.” When Nicky starts to shake his head, making to pull away, Joe pulls him in even tighter, squishing Nicky’s face against his neck. “It’s not your fault, Nico.”

“It’s really not, Nicky,” both Nicky and Joe whip their heads around to see Andy standing in the doorway.

She sighs, making her way across the room before getting into the bed and lying down behind Nicky. He rolls around to face her, tears in his eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Andy. I’m so, so sorry. I promise, I _promise_ I’ve been trying. I _know_ it isn’t fair. You spent all that time alone, and here I am, just... just... _like this_ , for no reason, when I have everything. I have Joe. I have you.” Andy runs her hand through his hair before leaning down to press a kiss to his forehead.

“Suffering isn’t a competition, Nico. Just because I hurt doesn’t mean you can’t too. Especially with this. Now more than ever, Nicky, we know that this isn’t something you can help.” Joe reaches across Nicky to take Andy’s hand in his, squeezing it gently.

“But...” Nicky tries to protest.

Andy shakes her head. “No buts, Nico,” she brushes his hair back again.

“But Booker...”

Andy shakes her head again. “I need you to know, I love that you two have each other, and I love that I have you two with me. I know what it is to be alone, and I’m so glad I am not. I... I miss Quynh. I do. I know you do too. Thinking about her hurts, and yet I wouldn’t dare do anything that would harm you, and if I did, even if it stemmed from pain, it would have been wrong of me.”

Nicky reaches up to brush an errant tear from her cheek, ignoring the ones lingering in his own eyes. Joe gives her hand another squeeze. She smiles gently at them before reaching her arms around both of them, pulling them both to her, Joe pressed against Nicky’s back. She rests her chin on top of Nicky’s head. “I love you both, okay? I love my boys.”


End file.
